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A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"

The young priest was so afraid at his first mass that he could hardly speak. Before his second week at the pulpit, he asked the monsignor, "How can I relax?" The monsignor, a veteran of his work, said, "My son, this Sunday it might help if you put a martini in the water pitcher instead of water. After a few sips, everything should go smoothly." Sunday came and the young priest did as the monsignor suggested. He believed everything went very well. After the sermon, the young priest asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "Just fine, except you should remember the following before addressing the congregation again: Next time, sip the martini rather than gulping it down. There are 10 Commandments, not 12. There are 12 disciples, not 10. We don't refer to the Cross as the 'Big T. We don't refer to our Savior Jesus Christ and his Disciples as 'J.C. and the boys. Finally, we don't refer to the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit as the 'Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.


A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have major cosmetic surgery: a face lift, liposuction, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures, since she's got another 30 or 40 years, she might as well make the most of it. She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?" God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."

One Sunday, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in the offering.
He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front.
Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

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